Where am I? Deep inside my mind but more precisely I’m in Sri Lanka, In the hill country not too far from Kandy city high up on a mountaintop in a dark cold room with only a candle flickering giving me light as I write this, Why? Because I’ve decided to take 5 days out from the external world to try and calm this chaotic mind and find some peace. I’m not alone in a field somewhere losing my mind, hugging trees galloping around, no I am joined by many in Nilambe – a Buddhist meditation camp. A place for people to come and practice meditation & mindfulness in silence – oh yes, I forgot to mention there is absolutely no speaking here. We are guided by a teacher, Ewen, to start our spiritual journey in understanding the mind.
Your mind is a powerful tool and in the western world we so easily forget that we are actually in control, we create so much suffering to ourselves and blame everyone and everything else but it is only OUR minds which creates suffering and you have the power to end it.
Before I give you my conclusion I would like to tell you how my journey started;
Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten that curry!
I got greedy, like I normally do, and moments before starting the retreat i panicked and made sure I ate a very large meal so I wouldn’t go hungry as there are only snacks served the evening – So I op for a curry, a delicious string hopper and dal, lots of dal, 3 portions to be exact and I make my way to the centre full and satisfied until …. we start, straight into the hall to meet the group and begin our first mediation together, that’s when it started, my belly grew outwards, the sounds had started, explosions started firing up inside, I squirmed in my seat trying not to disturb others, begging not to make a sound and embarrass myself on the first day, please not me, not now but it didn’t stop, for the rest of the day I was left with a busy mind full of shame and discomfort.
The farting monk
I learnt many lessons here at Nilambe, about the mind about Buddhism, mindfulness etc but I also learnt a valuable lesson from the farting Monk – It was on day 2 when we began the yoga session – mindfulness in motion when very loud regular noises came from underneath the robe, I opened my eyes to check who it was, distracted, and as I looked over he sat in pure comfort not batting an eyelid at peace with himself, no one looked or sniggered even slightly – It didn’t stop there it continued all week and it dawned on me, no ones actually cares – we are so used to living in the western world where it is unacceptable and inappropriate to do such things with company, but why? as I thought about this I felt so silly that I had wasted a whole day in discomfort squirming in my seat distracted with embarrassed thoughts
Nobel Silence
Noble silence is when your on a mountaintop, you feel the breeze in your hair, the sun kisses your skin and your in the present moment taking in the perfect scene and in silence share only with yourself, we aim to practise this kind of silence here at Nilambe – which can be challenging at first – especially when the Leeches, Snakes, and Monkeys are out! Silence is put to practice, no sharing on Instagram, no hashtags #OMG #Satonasnake – Just you with nature observing it all.
After the distractions, the mind relaxes and omm the few remaining days I’m lost deep in my mind untangling, pulling apart my conditioned ways of thinking and I sit for hours at one with myself. I haven’t told you yet but I have already done this retreat before, a year ago, I loved it so much I made a pact with myself to continue you it whenever I can – why? Because I’ve never felt so good, so awake, so calm like I’ve finally beaten my demons. For years I suffered from insomnia, I would toss and turn reliving past memories torturing myself begging for answers and guess what, they never came! & only by looking deep into myself that I realized I am causing my own suffering, not them, they don’t even know I suffer, I had a realization and ever since I have slept like a baby, I swear not even one sleepless night.
This time around was a lot easier, I remember for the first 3 days on the last retreat I thought what the F*** am I doing here! frustrated, emotional I even walked out briefly and cried – but all in good time the answers came and unfolded so clearly in front of my eyes. We condition our minds throughout our whole lives chasing cravings and desires thinking we have the right to be angry, thinking we are who we are through DNA, I do not want to go deep into my personal life and what I discovered, I guess if you want to know more you’ll just have to come and find me but what I will leave you with 3 little stories that changed my way of thinking.
Cause and effect
As I am walking through the lush garden on a walking meditation, I lift one foot feeling each and every little movement ready to place it down on the ground but before I do, I notice an army of ants. I stop and I’m lost deep in thought & this scene is played before me – A simple but careless action lead me to step on an innocent ant, that ant was Fred – NOO FRED!! all ants scream, not Fred! what will we do without Fred, Fred was the main ant now the colony will collapse – every ant panics running wild. This little scenario leads me to think on a bigger scale about the whole universe and how cause and effect play such a massive role, rushing around in life carelessly can hurt others, selfishness has such a big effect on the earth. One negative effect after another, I thought of so many different scenarios that day and it was so clear to me how one action can have such a spiraling impact – Negative or Positive.
Moral of the story – Be mindful
Suffering and letting go
This one was a game changer for me and relates to my past insomnia, I spent years hating the people who did me wrong, did wrong to the ones I loved. Until one of the last days, I was deep in meditation trying to understand my suffering when a very clear image arises. I saw all the bad people tossing and turning unable to sleep, riddled with guilt reliving their past, making themselves sick of shame – but they didn’t think of me, I was one of many they hurt, that was enough for me to let go, seeing them suffer was enough, why should I suffer the same as the enemy but I didn’t like it, I couldn’t stop it but I COULD stop me.
Moral of the story – Let go
Likes and dislikes
As I sat in the meditation hall trying to focus I could feel myself getting more and more irritated, they had construction workers going at a meditation camp! I thought, how rude, how dare they! I got so wound up I walked out for the rest of that session and sat outside alone going over and over in my head of just how rude and inappropriate it is for them to be here. The teacher comes to find me and asks whats wrong, my response – “Are you joking, with all that racket! ” He smiles, looks at me and says that is your next lesson. Haa I though and got even more irritated. Later that day it was time for “that lesson” as I sit and listen to him, he’s right, he is completely right – It is only something I dislike, You listen to the birds right, yes. You listen to the waves, um yes – you listen to all these other noises that you like and its okay but workers getting on with there jobs, traffic and such noises aren’t nice to your ears so you dismiss them and think they are rude for doing such day to day activities because YOU don’t like them but it is only a sound and only your mind who has conditioned that thought through past experience and in reality you may not always have that perfect peace and quiet, you should learn to adapt to all noises because that is life.
Moral of the story – Before getting frustrated or angry about things you do not like, THINK, why do you not like them? is it really that bad and can you adapt because life is much simpler if you can.
I’ve learned from this experience – To no longer dwell on the past or think too much about the future but to live only in the present moment, appreciate everything because life is F**king amazing! YOU can change, you are the master of your own mind! Be the master.
Now these methods have helped me tremendously, they may help you, everyone is different and that’s great, we all have a path to take but it’s one I feel like I’m on the right path and I’m finding the teachings beautiful and felt the need to share.
“The thing about meditation is…you become more and more you.” ~David Lynch
If any of you are interested in joining a meditation camp there are a few to choose from. This one is very pleasant, still, a challenge but not so extreme as it is only 5 days with more freedom within the center – Check out http://nilambe.net/ for more information – this organization askes for a small amount of 7500 LKR (around 40\euros) for the 5 days including food and accommodation. If you are interested in Vipassana, the 10-day full experience there are centers around the whole world who offer this teaching for free so google vipassana centers in your area!
Good luck in your journey!
The Wonders Of Wandering 